Octagon, The

From Zanecorpwiki

I love martial arts movies, and I love kitsch. Plus, who doesn't love ninjas? I also tend to be pretty forgiving with movies in general, so I was surprised by how much I disliked The Octagon.

First of all, the action is pretty bad. The fight scenes are very much I go (beat) now you go (beat). The scene where Chuck Norris is smacking the shit out of a heavy bag was the most thrilling action sequence in the movie.

Second, there is an incredibly annoying plot device where we hear Norris's inner dialog rendered in very slow and echoing tones. Th-ere-ere-ere shou-ould-old-n-n't be-be-be-eee an-n-n-n-y-y-y ni-i-i-n-n-ja-ja-ja.

The movie starts with a clumsy assassination which just barely kills some old guy in a car before one of the assassins is killed by the chauffeur and the getaway is almost foiled by a nanny. The investigator immediately concludes that the ham-handed attack involving automatic weapons must be the work of top level assassins and someone starts throwing around the word ninja.

In any case, Norris embarks on a mission to find and destroy the ninja whom he concludes can only have been trained by his estranged blood brother. Through a series of flashbacks, we learn that the blood brother came to hate Norris because as a child Norris once awkwardly kicked him and later beat him in a obstacle course.

While Norris lurches through his investigation, we simultaneously follow the happenings of the latest ninja class, which seems to last about 2 weeks. Plenty of time to train the most dangerous killers in the world. Though if the opening sequence was anything to go by, two weeks of training is probably about right.

It's not really necessary to go through the rest of the plot because it makes about as much sense as 2-week ninjas. On the whole, the movie is weak, immature amalgamation of Hong Kong genres. The Octagon tries way too hard and fails badly, ending with a sad take on the one-stroke samurai battle.

Even though it stars Chuck Norris and the film has a point--a western take on Kung Fu Cinema--it's just as messy and all around poor as any C movie.